So Much
by ThePrinceAlwaysGetsTheGirl
Summary: She always regretted not being able to say it out loud. It haunted her. The thought that maybe he never saw it, maybe he never knew. Maybe it was all her fault. Oliver couldn't be gone. Couldn't be dead. She would never see his face again. Never get to walk down the aisle. And he would never get to see the baby she now had to raise alone. Pregnancy AU. Felicity POV. OLICTY.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok so this is a new story that is, as usual, in a completely different universe than all my other stories. I hope you enjoy and let me know what you think.**

* * *

I always regretted not being able to say it out loud. It haunted me. The thought that maybe he never saw it, maybe he never knew. Maybe it was all my fault. The ring on the chain around my neck burned into my skin like a brand. The pictures in my hand blurred as my eyes filled with unshed tears. My heart screamed that they were wrong. They were all wrong. Oliver couldn't be gone. Couldn't be dead. But my mind reminded me that I wasn't dreaming. I'd never see his face again. Never see his smile again. Never walk down the aisle. And he'd never get to meet the child I now had to raise alone. The child that he might not have known about.

* * *

 _Two years earlier..._

Okay if there's a God he defiantly doesn't want me to find this place. I searched and searched and searched and nothing. Nada. I looked up and down both sides of the street. People passed by me on there way to work or school or God forbid the coffee shop my best friend was waiting at that just didn't want to be found. I was already 15 minutes late and Keira would skin me alive if I didn't show up. That began to look more and more likely as scanned the street yet again. At 7:00 in the morning it was pretty busy but I just couldn't pinpoint the location of this place that seemed to have alluded me. I was just about to give up and call her when something, or rather _someone,_ bumped into me from behind nearly throwing me into the path of an on coming car. I felt a vice like grip wrap around my arm just above the elbow and pull me roughly back onto the side walk right as the car sped past me. I turned slightly startled as the person let go of my arm. The first thing I saw was gray. I looked up. And up. And up. Before finally seeing the face of a rather tall looking man who was standing just a little too close.

"Thanks." I said as our eyes met.

"Are you okay?" he asked. His voice was deep and slightly concerned. I nodded as I took in his appearance. His hair was dark blonde, almost brown, and just long enough to touch the top of his eyebrows. His eyes were a sort of greyish blue that held a sort of look that told you he was use to getting what he wanted. His clean shaven face made him look younger than he really was. Which I was guessing was about 24 or 25. He also stood at about 6'1. I realized that I hadn't answered his question and quickly looked away mumbling, "Yeah I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Um, yeah, well not really I've been looking for this coffee shop that just doesn't want to be found and it's been almost 20 minutes, and that has nothing to do with why you asked me if I was okay and now I've wasted your time because you so did not decide to walk around bumping into people, but you did, and now you're here, listening to me babble, which will end, in three, two, one. Sorry yeah I'm fine."

He seemed slightly shocked and didn't say anything for a minute. As I started to move away, he broke out of his shocked silence. "There's a coffee shop a block away."

My eyes widened before looking the direction he was pointing. "You've got to be kidding me."

He smiled slightly at my exasperation. "I'm afraid not."

"My friend is so going to kill me when I get there, she hates when I'm late. I mean it's her own fault for assuming I'd know the way but still, she won't accept that excuse. I've lived here for three weeks and yet it's like she thinks I've got a map of the city tattooed on the back of my hand."

He just smiled and stuck out his hand. "I'm Oliver Queen."

I smiled back brightly. "I'm Felicity Smoak."

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 **I know it's sort of a slow start but I felt that that was all that really needed to be put into the first chapter. Since I posted the second chapter immediately after the first anyway I guess you guys cant really complain. Comments appreciated. Comment or PM with any suggestions or story ideas that you want me to write. P.S That beginning was from immediately after the ship wreck.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Skipping Author's Note. You're welcome to those who actually read it now you can get right into the story. Unless you actually did read this. Then I still wasted your time. :P**

* * *

 _How can forget someone who gave you_ _so much to remember?_

* * *

With shaking hands I grabbed the cordless phone off of the charger by the couch and dialed Keira. She answered on the third ring.

"Hello." She sounded kind of groggy. I looked at the clock on the wall and realized that it was almost 3 in the morning.

"Keira. Will you please come over. Right now." Even I could hear the brokenness in my voice.

"Felicity what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Please just come over. I really need someone to talk to. Please."

"I'll be right there."

I breathed a sigh of relief as I hung up. The relief didn't last long. I looked around my apartment. It was a nice size. Three bedrooms, Two and a half bathrooms, a large kitchen/dinning area, and a comfortable living room. All the walls were varying bright shades in all different colors. The couches were plush and a light tan color so that it didn't clash with the walls. The TV large but currently off. I couldn't handle watching it anymore. I had never invited anyone over. It was the one sanctuary were nobody would judge us. Nobody would be able to drag me though the mud in gossip columns or stare at me while I walked down the street wondering what made me so special. Not even I knew the answer to that. Only he did. And he was gone. There were pictures all over the place. The wall, the table beside the couch, the hallway, even the bedroom. And most of them held one thing in common. They were now the only thing that proved I hadn't dreamt the whole thing. Well not the _only_ thing. I walked back into the bedroom. There was a shoe box sitting on my bed. Full of even more pictures. That was one thing I used to wondered about. Why did he take so many pictures? I only asked once. He had said it was because his family never took picture to remember things. Apparently to his parents the only time times they did anything worth remembering the newspaper and magazines had already taken enough photos. He didn't want to forget a single thing we did. Every single picture had a date and memory attached. And now they all felt like knives in my heart. They were the only memories I'd ever get to make with him. There was supposed to be years. _Years._ Not a single year to make memories. _Years._ Plural. But I guess I'd already had too much happiness and the universe had to make up for it.

There was a frantic knocking from the living room. I walked slowly. Not in a hurry to welcome anyone into a place that had been so sacred. So peaceful. Somewhere only us and varying take out delivery guys had ever seen the inside of. I got to the door and took a deep breath before opening it. Hurricane Keira came rushing at me. She gabbed me up into a hug and just held me for a second.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?"

I just shook my head as the tears started making silent treks down my face. She pulled me over to the couch and sat me down. I just let her try to sooth me, taking comfort in the fact that someone was with me. I turned and tried to grab the box of tissues on the table behind her but my arm just wasn't gonna reach that far. She turned a grabbed them for me. She looked at me curiously for a second then turned back towards the table. She picked up the picture sitting on it. He had taken that one just two weeks ago at our last date. She looked at it for a second before turning back to face me. In what I assume was her idea of trying to take my mind off of my problems she asked, "Why do you have a picture of you and Oliver Queen sitting in your living room?"

My lip quivered as I started crying harder. She looked at me alarmed before setting the picture down and hugging me again. I could tell the exact moment she had decided to look around the room because the hand that had been smoothing down my hair in a comforting way had stopped and I heard her mumble.

"Oh my God. Fliss."

I grabbed a tissue from the box and franticly wiped at my face. I sat up and smile at her sadly. "My life sucks."

* * *

2 weeks later she had moved into one of the guest rooms. 4 weeks after that she went with me to my 8 week ultrasound. 2 months later I applied for and landed my dream job in the IT department of Queen Consolidated. Anytime time Keira would see me crying she would hug me and tell me that it will get better. They always say it will get better. They lie. It doesn't get better. You just get used to it. That heart breaking feeling every morning right when your alarm goes off and you're still waking up. You don't remember to feel sad. You don't remember that they're gone. You just remember those last few remnants of your dream. Then you wake up. And get out of bed, get dressed for work go outside and pretend that you're happy. My day always starts that way but in the last 2-3 months it also starts out with a race to make it into the bathroom before I pee myself. So that's always fun. 1 month later I walk into to the doctors office again. This time when I walk out of the building I hold in my hand another picture, but now I have a gender to go with the beautiful picture of a baby in my mind. It's a girl. For the first time in almost 6 months. I forgot to be sad.

* * *

It's the next day that someone hits the autopilot button in my life. It had been on so long that I had forgotten how to turn it off. It started with a commotion. I was just minding my own business, when suddenly everyone is coming out of their respective cubicles with their arms full of paper. I get up to go stand in the doorway as everyone passes. My friend that works in the cubicle across from me comes out of her work area with a notepad and tablet. "Hey Lilly, what's going on?" She looks up from her tablet and smiles. "There was an announcement yesterday that Moira Queen herself was coming down her for a meeting and that everyone in the IT department had to come. You also have to bring all the note on whatever your current project is. For those of us that are in between projects, we just have to go and take notes."

"Oh, ok."

I went back into my cubicle and grabbed my tablet and a thick folder of notes from my last project. As I was walking toward the meeting room the elevator directly in front of me on the left opened. I heard someone say something in an angry tone before walking directly into my path. I had just enough time to make out brunette hair before we collided. My paper went everywhere and my tablet fell onto the floor. I just happened to get knocked over too. My center of balance wasn't exactly where usually was. The other person however managed to only stumble back a few steps. I quickly moved from my sitting position onto my knees and started crawling around trying to collect all of the paper that had gotten out of the folder. I was halfway through cleaning up the paper when a hand reached down with the other half of the stack. "Thanks." I said as I put the paper back into the folder. "No problem it's the least I could do."

I looked up and smiled. Then I slowly stopped smiling. It was Thea Queen. My boss's daughter. The love of my life's sister. My child's aunt. All the blood drained out of my face. Which is kind of hard to do given the fact that my body is currently producing 25-40 percent more blood. My mouth opens slightly but no words come out. I start to stand before realizing that it's not going to go well. I look around for a chair or table or _anything_ that would get me off of the floor. The only option would be for my to crawl beck to my cubicle and then stand. My eyes land on the outstretched hand in front of me. I look back up into the expectant eyes of Thea Queen, and contemplate if it's worth the humiliation of crawling back to office. Before I can change my mind and convince myself otherwise I reach out and grab her hand.

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 **So there's the second chapter yay. Clearly thing are going to get interesting. Comment what you want the baby's middle name to be. I already have the first and last names. Until next time.**


	3. Chapter 3

_I will never be whole again._

 _Not until my lost love is found._

 _Until then..._

 _I will be just a faded image._

 _A shade of who I once was._

* * *

Since that fateful day two months ago, I have yet to be rid of Thea Queen. Not that I mind all that much. She says she stayed around because she felt bad but then she got to know me and stayed for my "bubbly personality". It's kind of nice having her around. We stay on safe topics. I don't bring up her loss and she doesn't know about mine. She doesn't comment on my lack of relationship or excess of stomach and I don't comment on the many times she says something slightly offensive. That lasted exactly two months. But nearing the day that I would be exactly seven months along everything starts to hit the fan.

* * *

"Ok so I need your help."

I look up from the computer screen to see Thea plopping down onto the chair just inside the entrance of my cubicle. "Come right in I'm not busy at all."

She chooses to ignore my sarcasm in favor of continuing on like I hadn't spoken. "So my health teacher Mrs. Grant is making us do a stupid paper on the human reproductive system. We all drew pieces of paper out of hats and I got pregnancy for my topic. So I would like to ask you some questions. I'm just supposed to get either an answer or an opinion. This paper is also supposed to figure out a pregnant woman's temperament."

I was shocked for a few minutes before I replied. "Ok, sure. But you're going to have to ask them on the way to Big Belly Burger, because my lunch break just started and I'm starved."

"That's fine. Okay so first question. Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Girl." By this time we were in the parking garage and standing next to my mini.

She starts scribbling onto a notebook and then looks back up at me. "Are you planning on breast feeding?"

"Why should you care what future plans I have for my breasts, or what nutrients go into my baby's body?"

She looks slightly surprised, but she doesn't comment and goes right on to the next question. "Are you going to deliver naturally?"

"Why do you want the mental imagery of a baby being born. If not then you just asked the wrong question."

"Ok then. Was it planned?"

"Next question." I honestly don't want to think of the amount of things I didn't plan for that month. My car breaking down. My mom calling. Getting pregnant. The love of my life dying.

"How do you feel?"

"I'm a pregnant woman- how do you think I feel? I have barely enough energy to throw up all of the bizarre food combinations that I chose to eat, and then of course there is a gnome tap dancing on my bladder- but you know what just put down that I said 'blessed' in a breezy tone with a wistful look on my face. 'k?"

"Um, where are you going to deliver?" She used a slightly more hesitant tone now.

"Why are you going to send me a gift? Are you going to cut the cord. Are you going to personally show up at my hospital room and hold my hand while I push out a human being? I doubt it. Now let's get out I'm hungry."

I left her sitting in the car with a stunned look on her face.

As I walked in I saw Carly, my favorite waitress. She already had a tray of food sitting next to her, and she walked over and set it down right after I chose a table to sit at. Diggle, the customer that always seem to be here when I arrive at random times of the day, is sitting across the room. I lift my hand to wave and offer him a warm smile. He's always nice to me and sometimes he'll even sit with me. We always have amazing conversations and he makes me feel like I finally have that older brother I never got. He smiles back and then continues the conversation he was having with Carly before I walked in.

Thea quickly comes into the restaurant and sits down across from me. She looks hesitant to ask the next question on the paper and I immediately start eating while I wait for to finish her internal debate. She makes a decision and asks, "How much have you gained during your pregnancy?"

Wrong choice.

I look up from my food and glare at her ever so slightly. "Are you my doctor?" Unless you're a doctor you really shouldn't ask a pregnant woman how much she weighs. It's hazardous to your health.

"Ok moving on this is an easier question. What do you think your baby will look like?"

I contemplate for a few moments and think about not just my own features, but Oliver's as well. "She'll defiantly have blue eyes, and she'll probably be blonde, but there is a slight chance she'll have brunette hair like me."

"Like you?"

"I'm naturally a brunette. I die my hair. Her father was blonde, his parents were both blonde, my mother is blonde. I'm the only one in this equation with dark hair. Well except for his sister." This is one of the few times I have spoken to _anyone_ about Oliver and I don't feel sad. I shift slightly starting to feel even more uncomfortable with the conversation.

"Well that sort of answers the next question. I was going to ask what the father looked like. But I guess he has blue eyes and blonde hair."

"Had." I murmur. I'm so quiet that I'm sure she doesn't hear me. But when I look up she is looking at me with a sad look. She defiantly heard me.

"Sorry. I know what it's like to lose someone. But I guess my situation is different. My brother died. Your boyfriend left."

My eyes snap up to her face. She said it almost offhandedly. Without even realizing it I've already grabbed my purse and started walking, leaving the money and a tip on the table. "Felicity! Where are you going?"

"I can't believe you Thea! On what planet is that okay? On what planet is it alright for you to treat everyone else like an outsider? You may think you do, but you don't know me. You don't know half the shit I had to go through to get to this point in my life."

"No you don't know how it feels to lose someone that important to you!"

"The hell I don't! News Flash Thea. The people who think they know your story are usually the ones who have never finished a book in there lives. I know exactly how you feel. I know how it feels to cry in the shower so that no one can hear you. I know how it feels to wait for everyone else to fall asleep so that _you_ can fall apart. I know how it feels when you wish the world outside would just go away. Like it doesn't have the right to keep going on when yours has ended. My _fiancé_ didn't leave. He _died_. Stop acting like you're the only one who lost someone. I lost someone too. But you wanna know how my loss different? I didn't let it control me. I didn't let it dictate the way I acted towards others. I have another life that depends on me, and whether or not I can keep myself together to take care of it. You need to realize that you're not the only one who lost him." By this time tears are streaming down my face. "Guess what Thea. I lost Oliver too."

* * *

 **Yup...I'm a bitch. B-)**


	4. Chapter 4

**So I gave at least one of you what you wanted, but just barely.**

* * *

Despite everything, I felt terrible. She had acted like a self entitled brat, but I shouldn't have said some of those things. It doesn't make anything I said less true. It just meant it may have been cruel.

It took her all of three and a half weeks to find me. She must've known better then to try to talk to me at work. Clearly smart enough not to want to speak to me in public. I could tell the amount of work she was putting into trying to locate me. I guess at first she forgot that I worked at the company her mother owned. Eventually she must have figured it out, because three days after the three week mark I heard a knock and opened it to Thea Queen standing on the other side.

I turned to see Keira still sitting where I had left her on the couch with the bowl of popcorn in her lap. Our annual Marvel movie marathon had been going so well until Thea showed up. I walked through the doorway and shut the door behind me. "What do you want Thea?"

"Did you mean it."

Playing the blonde that I technically wasn't I replied vaguely. "Mean what?"

"That you knew Oliver- No- That you were engaged?"

I sighed sadly before opening the door and ushering her inside. Keira looked up startled and then confused. She got up from the couch and gave me a reassuring smile before walking down the hallway towards her room. Meanwhile, Thea had taken it upon herself to look around. Not a single picture had been moved. The only difference in decoration was the sonogram picture next to the photo on the side table. There were other sonogram pictures, but they were in other places. Places that only I ever knew about. I would show Keira and then put them away. Someplace safe. I wanted to leave that one in here,propped against that picture, to remind me that there may be something missing, but there was also something gained. Thea looked close to tears. I knew the feeling. It must be hard for her to come to this place that she knew nothing about, with someone she hardly knew, only to realize that there was a whole other side of her brother that she had never seen. A side that she hadn't been apart of. As she sat down on the couch, I went to the kitchen and came back with two mugs of tea.

She was silent for a few minutes as she absorbed this new revelation. "How long?"

"What?"

"How long did you date my brother before-"

"A year."

"And you got engaged..."

"Exactly two weeks before I found out I was pregnant. Two days before he...left."

"Did he know?"

"There's a chance he did. We had a tradition. If he had to go somewhere far away, I would get together an envelope of pictures. Pictures that I thought would help. The last time I saw him I gave him the envelope. It had my first sonogram in it. I guess I'll never know if he saw it or not. I guess that's my fault. He just talked about how important this business trip was and I new if I told him before, than he would have stayed and he was already in enough trouble with your father before."

I felt the sobs start to wrack my body as the ears started rolling down my face. "If I had just had the guts to say it out loud. He might still be here. It's all my fault Thea. I'm so sorry."

I just started sobbing even harder. She hugged me to her the best she could with my belly in between us and tried to soothe me. I heard the words 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.' repeating over and over before I realized that I was the one saying them. I just kept crying.

* * *

She eventually had to leave, but we agreed that we would keep talking. That I wouldn't shut her out. We also agreed that we weren't going to tell Moira. As much as I loved Oliver, I couldn't face his mother _with_ a baby and _without_ him.

By the time my eight month mark came around four days later, Thea and I had met everyday for lunch and once for dinner. We decided to get lunch every week leading up to my delivery. She also made the executive decision to go to the store and show up at my apartment with enough baby clothes to last my daughter through her first three years of life.

She didn't exactly get my terms for boundaries.

As my due date got closer I got more anxious. The months where I hadn't been puking my guts out were amazing. I spent every waking moment cherishing the bond I had made with the child growing inside of me, but by week 38 I was ready to get her out. I was tired, sore, I could barely move around, and every stranger I walked past either looked at me, stopped me to talk to them, or touched my belly. Who gave them the right to touch my belly. MY GOD DAMN BELLY! Seriously people personal space!

By week 39 I was ready to just reduce myself to little more then a shut in. A hermit. I could get a bunch of cats and become a weird cat lady spinster. Instead of making the obvious choice and blocking myself off from the world, I persevered. I went through the last few days of work, before picking up whatever was vital to my sanity and left for my maternity leave. I stopped by the cubicles of all of my friends in IT and told them they'd see me in twelve weeks and not a minute before.

Thea picked me up out front and drove me past Big Belly Burger before taking me home.

* * *

Exactly four days later she received a call from me at 3:00 in the morning begging her to come get me. My water had broken. I guess my baby girl was anxious.

* * *

At 7:13 in the morning I welcomed 7 pound 3 ounce Phoebe Grace Queen into the world. The only three people who knew that last name were me, Thea, and a very surprised looking nurse who helped my write out the birth certificate. I'm sure the moment Thea followed her out into the hall this said nurse got slightly richer and all the more secretive. I didn't care. I was so happy to finally be able to hold my baby girl for the first time. It was a bittersweet moment. There was something huge missing. It shouldn't have to be this way. Life wasn't fair.

* * *

Little did I know that though life wasn't fair, it was also unreliable. And it was about to get a lot more interesting.

* * *

 **Mic drop.**


	5. Chapter 5

**:) ;) How's that for an author's note?**

* * *

I was able to spend almost three months of bliss with my beautiful daughter before I had to go back to work. Because I only had twelve weeks of maternity and I had taken off of work for the last week of pregnancy, my daughter was just a week and two days shy of three months old when I went back to work. Thea and I had already previously worked out a schedule for Phoebe prior to my return. She would take her from 8 in the morning until 12 at which point she would bring her to me and I would spend my lunch break with her. After that, Thea would take her back to the apartment until I got off of work at 4. In between these times Thea would occasionally show up at my cubicle to surprise me or because Phoebe was fussy. It worked fine for those first seven days, however when I walked into my cubicle, you can imagine my surprise to find Moira Queen sitting in the visitor chair next to my door. After checking the time to ensure that I _was_ in fact ten minutes early, I sat in the seat in front of my computer. She remained silent as I went through the process of booting up my computer and signing on.

A moment later though I decided to break the ice. "Is there something you would like me to help you with Mrs. Queen?" Although I tried to sound polite and courteous, it still came out sounding slightly frightened. She remained looking calm, cool, collected, and detached as ever.

"It's Felicity _Smoak_ isn't it?"

Ok now I was confused and I'm sure it showed. "Um, yes. It is."

"I've recently stumbled over the fact that my daughter has spent the better part of this year in your presence."

"I guess so."

"I've also stumbled across something else that it seems I had missed a while ago."

"I don't think there could be much that you would miss in your lif-" I stopped talking abruptly when she pulled a framed photograph out of her purse and pushed it towards me roughly. It was a photo that had been taken almost a year ago. It was of me and Oliver. It was a black and white photo of me and Oliver on a beach. He had his arms around my waist and was spinning me around in a circle. We both had brilliant smiles on our face and we were both laughing our asses off. I swallowed and nervously cleared my throat once before handing it back to her with a blank expression on my face.

"Is there something you would like to tell me Miss Smoak?"

She seemed almost... _threatening_?

I raised an eyebrow and said, "There is absolutely _nothing_ I would _like_ to tell you."

She looked slightly taken back for a moment before she calmly collected herself. "I understand that you would feel embarrassed to meet me considering you were another one of Oliver's little dalliances, but I would just like to know more about this. The date on the back of the picture states that it was taken three weeks before he left. I can only assume that he left so willingly because he was running from another one of his little," she looked at one of the photos of Phoebe I had sitting on my desk before continuing, " _mistakes._ "

A fire flamed in my eyes as she turned back to me. "Fuck you." It surprised me almost as much as it surprised me. It was like I was possessed. "You don't get to sit there and call my _daughter_ a mistake. That's bullshit. I love my daughter and I don't give a damn what you have to say about it. _You're_ not her father. Your son is. He was also my goddamn _fiancé._ You do not get to sit there and act like you are better than me. I don't care who you are you do _not_ get to insult my _three month old_ daughter. I wouldn't give a shit if you were the president. You could be _my_ fucking mother and I still wouldn't give a shit. That is not ok. As a matter of fact..."

I turned towards my computers and started undoing all the things I'd ever done to for the company that hadn't already been used in outer projects. And I do mean _all_. The company wide firewall returned to damn near collapsing, every email I had cleaned was refilled, there was hardly a functioning server left, and as I signed out I added the extra pain in the ass of locking everybody else out of the system. I grabbed the box under my desk that only had a few pieces of paper in it for recycling and emptied the contents of my desk into it. This all took around five minutes and the entire time Moira remained silent with her mouth open. She didn't move until I went to pass her to leave the cubicle. She reached out and grabbed my arm as I passed.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Home. In case you missed that, that was me quitting."

"You're not going anywhere."

"The hell I'm not. I'm leaving. You're a bitch and the sky is blue. All universally accepted facts."

* * *

To say that Thea was surprised to see me was an understatement. She was even more surprised when I recounted todays events. She said, and I quote, "Holy shit my brother's baby mamma slash fiancé is a badass! AND MY MOM IS A BITCH!"

I just laughed at her reaction and then went to see Phoebe. It was several hours later when we decided to go out for lunch. We were just walking back when we ran into a very red and very hard wall. Scratch that. It was _not_ a wall, but rather my friend and neighbor Roy Harper.

"Hey Smoaky. You popped!"

"Hey Harper. Indeed I did. It was so weird. I just happened to be in a hospital and then poof I popped and suddenly I was holding a baby. It was all, in fact, very strange."

He just shook his head and nodded towards Thea. "Who's this?"

"Baby Daddy's sister. Nice to meet you."

"Likewise."

They just stared at each other for a moment before I broke in. "Sorry to break up the magical movie meeting but I have a three month old who isn't going to get _herself_ into the building sooo..."

"Right, see ya Smoaky. Baby Smoaky. Baby Daddy's sister."

"Harper."

As we made our way inside she asked more questions about Roy then I could ever know the answer to.

It was no surprise that hours later I literally fell into bed.

* * *

I was completely oblivious to the fact that my entire world was about to change.

* * *

 **Tada! Making my mother proud, one unplanned pregnancy and impromptu quitting of a job at a time. Speaking of mother, what did you guys think about meeting Oliver's? This close to the accident you can imagine she is slightly bitchier than she normally would be but oh well.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I'M ALIVE. Mostly. Anyway, on to the story,**

* * *

 _The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained._

* * *

"Thea Dearden Queen if you do not get out of that bedroom, into this hallway, and into the elevator in a less than 60 seconds, I swear I will drag you out by your ear!"

"Whoa Blondie. Easy on the threats there. There are tiny ears."

I turn and see a very large, very red neighbor. "Roy. I'm not in the mood. Unless you want me to string you up in my apartment by your left big toe, you're going to go back through that door and pretend you never saw me. And as for little ears, well, she was destined to live a life of mischief."

He started laughing just as Thea walked into the hall. I saw them look at each other and then almost immediately look away.

"I've been ready to go for an hour Thea."

"I know but I couldn't find my cell."

"Why didn't you just use the house phone to call it?"

"It was turned off." she stated simply.

"Why was it turned off?" She looked away with a guilty expression on her face. "Thea? Why was it turned off?"

Now she looked sheepish as she rubbed the back of her neck and mumbled, "I've been avoiding my mom's calls."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean she's literally called every two minutes since 4 a.m."

"Thea! What if it was important? She could be in the hospital for all you know."

"I know I'm sorry. It's just that the last time we spoke I had just told her I was moving next door to you and she was already pissed. She was going on with this huge long lecture about how she thought you were a lying, gold-digging whore who either slept with Ollie and got pregnant on purpose or you were lying about the baby being Oliver's completely. I just didn't want to listen to her crap today."

"Listen Thea, I appreciate you giving your mom the silent treatment for me, but I can take care of myself. And Phoebe. But you need to call her back. What if something's wrong?"

"Fine." She reached into her pocket and held down the button on her phone until it lit up. Right as the screen finished loading the phone started ringing. She looked up at me for confirmation and I nodded in encouragement before she swiped her finger across the screen and held it up to her ear.

* * *

 **Oliver POV:**

 _One year ago..._

 **(Bet you weren't expecting this.)**

As Starling City faded on the horizon I could already feel the hole in my chest that my heart usually occupied. I felt the annoyingly familiar ache that took over whenever Felicity wasn't around. The world seemed dim without Felicity's bright light occupying the space beside me. I already missed her beautiful face. Her gorgeous smile. Her bright and bubbly personality. I missed _her._ I walked below deck towards my room as I pulled the thick envelope out of my back pocket. The first picture I saw was that of Felicity smiling broadly showing the camera the large sparkly engagement ring that sat comfortably on her left ring finger. I smiled at the site of the thing that told the world she was taken. Now all I had to do was change that pesky last name of hers and it would be official. She'd be mine. The next few pictures were ones that had been taken around our second month of dating. The first time I had whipped out my camera and began our large collection of memories. Our pictures alone had to be one of the only things keeping the small store that developed them afloat. We literally had hundreds of photos. There wasn't a single place that we went that I hadn't brought the camera to. As I kept flipping I realized that they were sort of in a chronological order. The farther I went the more recent they became. I got halfway through the pile on the first night before setting them in the side table and going to sleep, dreaming of a certain blonde's beautiful smile.

* * *

It was days before I got a chance to look at the picture again. We were getting closer to our destination and when we got there we wouldn't have any more time to relax. As the day grew to an end I was tempted to just throw myself under the covers and hide from the world, but as I walked past the side table on my way to the bed I stopped and grabbed the pile of pictures. I slowly slid under the covers as I started flipping through the rest of the pile. As I got to the last few pictures I looked over to my phone and noticed that I was already about a week and a half into the trip. I decided to just flip through the last few pictures and then get to sleep.

As my eyes started to droop a little I continued looking through the pile. The last few pictures weren't really making sense. They were just her holding the camera on her way to an unknown location. The one I was currently looking at made the least amount of sense. It was just a picture of a really white tiled ceiling. I flipped to the next one and felt my heart skip a beat. The picture showed what had to be the tiled floor of our bathroom and the thing it showcased took my breath away. There was a little plastic, white stick on the ground with a pink cap on one end and two lines in the middle. Now fully awake I flipped to the last picture. A fuzzy black and white image with a small black dot in the center. I swear had the dot not been circled in red with the word baby written right next to it with an arrow pointed at it I never would have noticed it. My breathing picked up and my eyes widened. I started blinking rapidly to see if my mind was playing tricks on me. It wasn't. The image never changed. Then it started getting blurrier and I realized that I had tears in my eyes and a giant smile on my face.

I reached over to the table and grabbed my phone and immediately tried to call Felicity. The phone beeped a couple of times in my ear before I pulled it away and looked at the screen. No service. Shit. I ran out of my room shoving the pictures into the envelope and then into the pocket of the cargo shorts I had franticly pulled on. I figured now was as good a time as any to tell my dad about the two year relationship I had been hiding. Should go well.

* * *

 **So things just got kinda real. Nobody reads these. I could just type random things and you guys would just skip right over it. Pickle Fart. Cotton Candy Pop Princess. Sporty Spice. Reptiles. Big Toe.**


	7. Chapter 7

**So I will desperately be trying to make semi-regular uploads. I'm going to try _really really_ hard to bring this back. I would like you guys to try and make an honest woman out of me and make me accountable. If it's been a while, I likely know, but please don't be afraid to PM me and hold me accountable. I WANT this to work out. I want you guys to feel like you have a say in this story. Because you do. So feel free to message me. Don't worry if it takes me a few days to reply, I'm not always on, but I will reply back. I promise.**

* * *

 _A good destiny is when two people find each other_

 _without even looking._

* * *

 _8_ _months ago..._

I walked into the building warily. It's not that I was nervous to be here, I was more nervous as to what I needed to say here. I suppose it could be worse. At the moment I can't quite say how, but I'm sure it could be. As I checked in at the front desk I took a few calming breaths. They helped to an extent. As my name was called, my nerves shot up again. I walked slowly through the door. I'm not really sure what I expected, but it was homier than I thought it would be. There was a few different places to sit as well as a coffee table and a desk. It was the women behind the desk that gave me a pause. She looked friendly. She was a few inches shorter than me and at least ten years older. She had graying brown hair pulled into a soft twist and a kind smile that made her feel almost motherly. I smiled lightly as I took a seat on the couch nearest to me. She quietly closed the book on her desk before coming to sit in front of me.

"I'd like to start this session by introducing myself. My name is Dr. April Brown. You can call me April."

"My name is Felicity Smoak."

"It's nice to meet you Felicity, what brings you here today?"

"I recently lost someone. Someone very important to me."

* * *

 _Present Day..._

"Hello?"

I could tell we probably wouldn't be getting anywhere anytime soon so I maneuvered the stroller back through the still open door of my apartment. I had really been looking forward to going out today, it had been a few days since I had gotten to spend time with Thea. So much of her time was spent avoiding her mother while trying to move out. Now that she was finally finished, we were going to go get coffee to celebrate. But somehow I don't think that will be happening today.

It was as I was just starting to undo the strap around my daughters waist that I heard Roy's frantic voice. "Felicity! You better get out here." As soon as I stepped through the door, my eyes widened in surprise and confusion. Thea was sitting against the wall next to my door with her knees pulled to her chest balling her eyes out. Roy was crouched down next to her seemingly trying to comfort her, but it didn't seem to be working. As I stooped down next to her, she finally seemed to snap out of whatever daze she was in. Her hand suddenly whipped out grabbing mine in a death grip. Her eyes wild and frantic were searching mine. They held so many emotions it was hard to pinpoint them all. Fear, hope, happiness, desperation, but mostly, she held the look of someone who had seen the sun for the first time and was afraid someone would take it from her.

"It's Ollie." She finally gasped out. "He's alive."

* * *

 _8 months ago..._

"Two years ago, I was going meet my friend at a coffee shop and I almost stepped into oncoming traffic, somebody pulled me back before I did though and after that we met a few other times before he ever got the nerve to ask me out. I wasn't sure where it was going to go, but he was so nice and I really liked him. Well long story short I fell in love. No, actually I didn't fall in love. He tripped me. We were really happy. We moved in together and about four months ago he proposed."

At this point I paused. I could feel tears coming at what had to be said next. "He proposed and then went on a business trip with his father. He got on a boat and they were off. Then I find out a week later that he's dead. He died in a storm that sank the boat. And there I was, alone in an apartment we shared with a ring on my finger and baby on the way. But, I had lost him."

She was no longer smiling when I looked up, but she was looking at me with understanding. I'm sure by now she knew exactly who I was talking about, but I was also sure that to her, it wasn't important. I was here for counseling and she was going to help me. "What was it like for you to lose him?"

"It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me-said all at once."

* * *

We spoke for about two more hours before my session ended. As I turned to leave, I heard the words that carried me through the next eight months.

"I want you to know something I've learned in all my years of grief counseling. I want to let you know the reality of the situation. The reality is that you will grieve forever, that's just a fact of life. Grief never ends. But it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, it's the price of love. You will not 'get over' the loss of your loved one, you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You are a strong woman Felicity. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. But you shouldn't want to be."

For the first time in a long time I smiled. And I remembered how it used to be.

* * *

 _Present day..._

"What?"

My mind blanked. She couldn't mean what I thought she meant. It wasn't possible. Was it?

"My mom... she-she was calling to tell me. They found him two days ago on a deserted island. He-he's here. In Starling City. The Chinese government had him brought back. He's at the hospital now." She looked at me with the most dazzling expression. Her smile so bright it blinded me. I fell back against the wall and sat next to her. Tears filled my eyes and streamed down my face. Despite this, my lips pulled into a grin and I let at a quick giggle sounding like a mad person. I tried to stop them but once the dam had burst there was no going back, and the giggles came bubbling out until eventually, Thea and I were laughing and crying and hugging like we were crazy. From the moment the words left her mouth, I was whole again. One of the worst parts of losing the one I loved wasn't the feeling of losing him, though that was painful and it wasn't something I would wish on my worst enemy, it was after, when I had the time to reflect that I realized I hadn't just lost him. I had lost myself too. In that moment, as I sat in the hallway laughing and crying while hugging my fiancé's sister next to a stroller that I found it. The piece of me that was missing. And finally I was whole again.

* * *

 **So yeah. Fun.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Yay!**

* * *

 _Fate has a weird way of circling back over paths we were meant to cross._

* * *

I was frantic. I soon as I had had time to process, I was up and running. My apartment door caused not trouble considering I had left it open in my rush to Thea, however the couch just happened to land right in my path. I barley wasted a second as I flipped over the arm of the couch before I was up and running again. My first stop was Phoebe's room as I tore down the hallway. I shoved things in a bag, barely looking at them before I was on to the next item. my second and final stop was my bedroom. Only when I reached the antique trunk at the foot of my bed did I slow down. I dropped to my knees lightly as I ran my hands over the delicately carved wood. I wasn't quite sure what to bring, I just figured I should bring something. The first thing I noticed when I opened the trunk was my pregnancy scrapbook and I figured that it was something I might need. The next thing I grabbed was a stack of pictures taken in the last three months. Pictures of Phoebe. I didn't figure I would need much else, there was only one other thing in there that he hadn't already seen.

As I went to stand, using the trunk for support, my necklace slipped past the collar of my shirt, the heavier rock weighing down the thin chain. My eyes stayed glued to it as my body froze. It only took seconds for my fingers to start fumbling on the clasp to get it off. I had already started walking and was halfway through the apartment as I slid the chain into my pocket and the ring back where it belonged. On my finger. I didn't waste any time in getting Phoebe strapped into her car seat and Thea back to her feet. We said a hurried goodbye to a very confused Roy as we walked towards the elevator. I would explain the situation to him later, but for now, I had somewhere to be.

* * *

 **Oliver POV**

The city hadn't changed much since I had been there last, but it still felt foreign. There was so much that I didn't really get. But then again, it had only been a year. I was actually surprised by how _little,_ everything had changed. If I didn't know any better it would be like I had never left. But I did know better, and I was nervous. I had left so many people behind, and I wasn't sure what there life would be like now. How could they have changed? I didn't know for sure. My mom, Thea, Felicity. What if she moved on? What if they all moved on? No. I couldn't think like that. It would be fine. It had to be fine. I was still gazing out on the city when the door opened behind me.

I turned to see none other than my mother. Looking at her face I could tell. She hadn't moved on, she looked like she had just seen the sun. She smiled at me and it was like I was a kid again. I was so happy. "Mom." Her smile got even bigger as she came to me and pulled me into a tight hug. A huge that only a mother could ever pull off. I just sagged into it. It was amazing what a little affection from someone you loved could do. My eyes snapped open when I heard the door open again and I was surprised to see Thea on the other side.

Her face broke into a grin instantly making her a child again in my eyes even though I knew she was 18 now."I knew it. I knew you were alive." She crashed into me with all the force her tiny frame possibly could, but it didn't matter. I was just so happy to see my baby sister again. "You were with me the whole time. I missed you so much Thea."

"I missed you too. It wasn't the same without you."

"Where were you Thea? I've been calling for hours." Hearing my mother voice again was amazing, but clearly it didn't have the same affect on Thea. The glare she sent our mom was ice cold. I wasn't sure why they were fighting but it was clear that there was something going on.

"I was at my new apartment. Unpacking."

My mothers whole demeanor changed after she heard those words. "You were with _her_?"

"Yes I was! I'm not concerned with whether or not you believe her, because if you had given even half of the chance I had given her, you would have been able to truly know the situation. I bet you tried to throw money at her or something to make the 'problem' go away 'huh? You did didn't you? Of course you did. It's exactly what you would have done."

The turn the conversation was taking definitely confused me. As did the air quotes around the word problem. What was going on. They didn't seem too concerned that I was hearing this. At least Thea didn't. Mom kept glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. She looked nervous all of the sudden and that was what made me ask. "What are you talking about? Who are you talking about?"

Thea looked more than willing to tell me, but as she opened her mouth to speak my mother cut her off. "It nothing sweetheart, just a little misunderstanding."

"It's not nothing _Mother_ , and it's not a _misunderstanding_. She's not some gold digger that was looking for money or-or trying to hurt us in any way. She didn't want anything from us. You were just doing what you did best and trying to make all of _your_ problems go away, but guess what mother? She's not some stranger, she's his _fiancé_!" My head snapped back to her when the word fiancé flew out. I was suddenly one hundred times more anxious then I had been before.

"What? Felicity? Is she here?"

My mother looked horrified, but my sister was smiling at me giddily. My breathing picked up as she spoke. "She's right outside. She thought she should give us some time as a family. I tried to convince her otherwise, but I'm sure you know how stubborn she can be."

"You should not have brought her here Thea. This is a family matter." The look Thea sent our mom would have mad me laugh if I hadn't been focused on the fact that the love of my life was on the other side of the door. It was only when I suddenly started toward the door that either of them moved from the heated glaring session going on. The look I gave Thea when she stepped in front of me was wild. "I'll bring her in here just wait right here." My mom started to say something but was cut off by the glare Thea sent her as the both walked into the hallway leaving me momentarily alone with my thoughts.

* * *

 **Felicity POV**

 _Seven months ago..._

"Felicity! It's great seeing you again. After last week, I was worried I wouldn't get a chance to speak with you again."

"Hi Dr. April, sorry about canceling, but I just got a new job and was helping my friend move out. My week had been a little hectic."

She waved nonchalantly as she grabbed her notepad and sat down in her usual arm chair. "It's no biggie, sometimes life just gets in the way. Let's go ahead and get started." She has already started writing as she begins telling me what she wants to talk about today. "Today, I want talk about what family means to you, I noticed from our last session that you don't talk about your family much. I'd like to explore that some more."

Family. What does family mean to me. "Well, my family consists of a cocktail waitress from Vegas, an absent dad who left when I was eight, a fiancé that died, and a baby that will never get to know him."

"I understand from speaking with you, that family is a hard concept for you to visualize without looking mainly at the negatives. Something I've noticed, is that we rarely think of all the good times while we are experiencing bad times. I want you to dig deep, and for every person you just said, I want you to think of a happy memory."

Happy memory. Shouldn't be so hard. Hopefully... "When I was six, my mom still stayed home and took care of me. We would always play dress up and watch Disney movies and just forget about the rest of the world. After my dad left, my mom had to get a job and we didn't really spend a lot of time together. But one day when I was fifteen, I got home from school on a Friday and found her there. She had gotten off work early, because the casino had been flooded and it needed to be cleaned up. For the first time in almost eight years, me and my mom spent an entire weekend, in our own little world. We did each others hair and make-up, we baked cookies, we watched Disney movies. Even though I was a little old for them, I didn't care. I hadn't realized how desperate I had been to see her until that moment, and I would've done anything to spend more time with her, but after that weekend, she went back to work and we haven't spent time like that since. She showed up to my high school and college graduations and I would see her on holidays occasionally, but it was like when my dad left, he had taken her with him. I haven't spoken to my mother in over a year. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. She didn't know I was engaged. Hell! She didn't even know I had been in a relationship."

By the time I was done, I was in tears. April hadn't interrupted once, and though I knew she wanted a happy memory for all those people, I just couldn't do that today. And I think she understood because we moved on and talked about other things. She didn't ask about my dad and I didn't offer anything. When I left there a couple hours later, I felt ten times lighter. I also really wanted to call my mom, but I knew at this time of the day she'd be working like always.

As I was driving home, I on the session and I thought back to my childhood and wondered why everyone I had ever loved, in one way or another, was gone.

* * *

 **I know it looked like Oliver and Felicity were finally going to see each other again, but this chapter kind of took off in a completely different direction. But I promise that next chapter, it is GOING to happen. Leave a review or PM me any questions, comments, or concerns.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry it took so long, but here it is.**

* * *

 _Nobody said it would be easy..._

 _They just promised it would be worth it._

* * *

The door opening down the hall had me instantly up on my feet. I looked over and went slightly rigid. It wasn't the beaming Thea that had me concerned, it was the glaring Moira. I was clearly thought of as persona non grata in her eyes. I could see a certain anger hidden in her eyes. A certain anger I recognized. It was the same look I saw reflected off the gleaming glass in Queen Consolidated the day I walked out. The anger of a mother trying to protect their child. It was obviously something I recognize, but nothing I was in the mood to deal with. I hiked the straps of my bag higher up my shoulder and decided to ignore the ice queen standing in front of me.

"So, is he alright? He's not hurt is he?"

Thea was quick to answer before her mother could. "He's fine, he wants to see you. I told him you were out here."

"Really? Ok, just let me-um..." I started trying to figure out what needed to be done and I looked around frantically before Thea piped in. "I can watch Phoebe while you two catch up." I narrowed my eyes at the mischievous smile on her face but agreed. I held the car seat out towards her and made my way towards the door. I reached for the handle, but hesitated. It had been a whole year. We were both different people now. At least I was. But I'm willing to bet a year alone will change a person. How different will be? I was so nervous my hand was shaking centimeters above the handle. I tried to give myself a mental pep talk but it was mainly just freaking me out. I decide to just count to three and rip off the band aid. Or rather, open the door. I took a deep breath and as I reached the number three, swung the door open and stepped in quickly. For all the courage it took to open the door, it took so much more to stop staring at it. I took a few deep breaths as I tried to convince myself to turn back around and to stop being a baby, but it was really tempting to just stand there and do nothing. Not for the first time, I silently acknowledged that I was being a chicken. I at least could admit that.

But as I stood there, I tried desperately to figure out why I was so scared. Oliver was back and he was standing right behind me! Obviously trying to give me space during what appeared to be a mental break on my part. Why wasn't I jumping for joy? Oh yeah, cause I'm scared to death that if I look at him and make his presence real for me again, then there is absolutely no way I would ever survive losing him again. In the past year, I had grown a pretty thick skin. I tried not to let his supposed death break me. But I can honestly say that if something where to happen to him now, I wouldn't make it through again. Honestly I can't say I held it together that amazingly the first time around. I needed therapy just to even think about feeling halfway normal. If I turn around, that's it. I'm done. I spent so long trying to feel ok again. When I turn around that's it. I need to be able to fully let go of the knowledge that I will never see the man I love again. Something I've thought of everyday. When I turn around, it's official. I'm no longer trying to fix the broken woman left behind after his death. Starting the second I turn around, I begin a completely different healing process. Instead of fixing the broken woman, I begin to fix the broken family.

My head clears and my pulse calms down. My hands stop shaking. I'm once again in complete control. There are only two things between me and the beginning of the rest of my life from this point on. Those two things are myself and this stupid door I'm still looking at. So I do the third scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I take the leap and I turn around.

* * *

 _Five months ago..._

I walk into Dr. April's office like I have every Saturday for the past two months. I had tried to really buckle down with my therapy after taking such a large break, but honestly I've started feeling better. It's been so different. To wake up and truly be in the moment. For the first time I look at the quote on the wall next to the door, as I have done before every session, and I finally feel like I've seen the other side of the tunnel. _Courage is the commitment to begin without any guarantee of success._ It's like the are warning you before you walk in that they can only help you if you want to be helped. It used to seem ominous, but now I just feel like it was exactly the motivation I needed at the time. So instead of focusing on everything that could go wrong, I just smile as I open the door for my last session.

* * *

My eyes are immediately glued to the man in front of me. I notice the changes instantly. He's buffer than he was before, which is definitely not a bad thing. His hair is about the same length meaning he's gotten a trim since being back. It's shorter then he kept it for most of his life but honestly I couldn't help but laugh every time I looked at it when we were together, so eventually he got it cut. One major difference though is the scruff. It's good scruff. Like seriously good. It's like what happens when you look at a really hot guy and think 'Can it get any better than this?' and then the hot guy grows facial hair and you just think 'Yup. That did it.' I won't lie, he looked good. Really good. It's entirely possible that because I haven't seen him in an entire year, it just makes everything extra intense, but I refuse to believe that.

I could see him looking me over just like I did with him, and I don't seem to disappoint. My hair is a lot longer then it was before, though I managed to keep up with the blonde, but I'm otherwise virtually unchanged. Unless you count the boobs. The boobs have undergone a substantial amount of growth. Not that I'm complaining. Though I do detect a slight admiration for them from his side. My lips twitch slightly and his eyes flash back up to my face. Neither of us move an inch.

"Hi." I manage to get the single word out. My voice is just below a normal speaking level.

"Hi." Hearing his voice is like hearing angels sing. I could cry just from that single greeting alone. And I almost do. But it's not until he's surged forward and his arms are wrapped around me that the flood gates open. At that point I'm bawling like a baby. Not a care in the world. All I can think about is how amazing he smells, and how I'm so thankful I'm not wearing heels, because my head is tucked perfectly under his chin, and there is nowhere else in the world I'd rather be. I can tell he's trying to comfort me, but honestly, it barely even registers. I'm almost hysterical, but I manage to calm myself enough to pull away from him and look at his face even closer. My hands ghost over his cheekbones as he smiles at me.

"Hi, again." I say.

His laugh is contagious as he hugs me again briefly. He motions over to the bed and we both take a seat on the edge. I know we have a lot to talk about, but for this single moment in time, I'm content to just hold his hand and rest my head on his shoulder. For a few minutes I allow myself to dream, and I slowly begin to once again trust in the future.

* * *

 **Yay! There will be a (hopefully) deep moment for Olicity in the next chapter.**


End file.
